The moment we stepped into Asmodian Demon-Tech Robotics, the atmosphere shifted. The air was thick and humid, the hum of machinery filling the room, and neon lights flickering against the metallic walls. Various mechanical limbs, weapon attachments, and robotic assistants were on display, some of them actively demonstrating their functions, which lets say aren't PG-13. A towering, rust-colored demon with three arms and a set of yellow eyes sat behind the counter, polishing a sleek, standard rifle with a wicked grin on his face.
I leaned forward on the counter, getting his attention by tapping the counter with my two fingers in a rhythmic beat. "We're here for a robot. Something durable, smart, and preferably capable of reducing a target to a pile of ash. Got anything like that?"
The shopkeeper's grin widened, his jagged teeth glinting under the dim red lighting. "You got good timing, pal. Got my last combat-grade security model right here." He gestured to a large crate on the side, motioning for one of his assistants to pry it open.
The moment the lid popped off, a sleek, humanoid robot was revealed. Its chassis was made of reinforced hellsteel, with glowing red optics and retractable weapon compartments embedded into its forearms though judging by my memories it was clearly an older model. It looked both menacing and expensive.
Millie let out a low whistle. "Damn, sir. That thing looks like it could tear someone apart."
"That's the idea," Blitz said, crossing my arms. "Alright, how much?"
The shopkeeper leaned forward, resting his massive arms on the counter. "Twelve thousand souls."
If Moxxie had been here, he'd have already screeched about price gouging. But since he wasn't, I had to channel his spirit. "Twelve thousand? The average high-end combat bot costs ten! You're fleecing us."
The shopkeeper shrugged. "Supply and demand, short-stack. This is my last one, and if you don't want it, someone else will."
I clicked his tongue, tapping my foot. "Ugh, alright fine. We'll take it."
Millie eyed the shopkeeper as if she was going to gut him at any second. I put a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.
"Sir, we're gettin' scammed!" she hissed. "We ain't just gonna let this bas—"
I cut her off with a smug grin. "Calm down Mils, it's not about the money. And im sure this baby will pay for itself."
Millie groaned, not enjoying my attitude in this situation but backed down regardless.
With the deal settled, the shopkeeper's lacky's loaded the robot onto a dolly and handed me a remote, wheeling it toward the exit. I signed the necessary paperwork (mostly just forms declaring they wouldn't hold the shop responsible if this thing melts your face off.) and handed over the payment.
Dragging the robot back to IMP's office was a process. The thing was heavy, despite the assistance of the dolly, and I had of course refused to rent a transport for it. Afterall there's no need to be scammed twice. Millie, still fuming, muttered under his breath the entire way back while helping me pull the dolly.
By the time we reached the front entrance, Loona had woken up, stretching as she looked down at them from her desk. "The hell is that?"
"Our new office bot!" I declared proudly, shoving the dolly through the front door with an exaggerated flourish. The bot's metallic limbs jostled from the impact, making a loud clanking noise as it settled in the middle of the room.
Moxxie, walking in like a perfectly timed sitcom groaned, face palmed with a stack of papers crumpling in his grp in his other hand. "This is ridiculous."
"This is progress," I corrected, patting the machine's head. "Alright, let's boot this thing up."
Millie who had instantly got a pep in her step went forward eagerly, crouching behind the robot to locate its power switch. "Ooooh, there's a settings panel back here! Let's see what it can do."
She flicked open a small compartment on its back, revealing an array of dials and switches. Some were standard—combat mode, surveillance, emergency lockdown—but a few were more… questionable.
Moxxie squinted. "Why is there a 'Rampage' setting?"
My grin widened. "I dunno, but I like it."
Millie turned a few knobs, setting it to 'Defensive Mode' before flipping the activation switch. The robot's optics flickered to life, scanning the room before standing at full height. Its voice came out in a deep, robotic tone. "Operational. Awaiting directives."
I clapped my hands together. "Oh, I am gonna have so much fun with this thing."
Moxxie pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is going to end in flames, I just know it."
Blitz slung an arm around his shoulders. "Oh, Mox, you gotta have more faith. What's the worst that could happen?"
As if on cue, the robot's optics flickered for a brief second, its head twitching slightly before stabilizing. Loona, still half-asleep, muttered, "Yeah, that thing's totally not gonna kill us in our sleep."
I ignored her, rubbing my hands together excitedly. It wasn't perfect but i could easily fix the bugs out. I just needed to figure out what they were first "Alright, let's give it a test run. Who wants to volunteer?" I said, grabbing the manual and flipping to the commands page.
Moxxie took a step back immediately. "Absolutely not."
Millie, on the other hand, grinned. "Oh, I do! I wanna see if it can dodge!"
With a press of a button, the robot entered 'Training Mode,' and before anyone could properly react, Millie lunged at it with her knives. The bot moved with decent speed, twisting its frame to avoid her slashes while recalibrating its defenses. The two engaged in a brief, intense spar, Millie laughing excitedly as she tested its reflexes.
It clearly wasn't up to par of a Fizzarolli robot maybe equal to the old one in Loo Loo land but nothing crazy, still I could make this work.
I watched with amusement spread across my face, leaning toward Moxxie. "See? Totally worth twelve thousand."
Moxxie sighed. "We're all gonna die."
"Hmph Yeah, but at least we'll look cool doing it." I chuckled.
Millie dancing around the robot taking her knives out preparing to go at it even harder now. The bot responded in kind with mechanical precision, blocking and dodging her stabs with calculated efficiency—but it was clear it wasn't anything extraordinary. Just a standard foot soldier level, nothing close to elite combat unit I had really hoped for.
Clang! Millie kicked off its chest, flipping backward with a smirk. "Pfft, this thing's slow! I could take it out in my sleep!"
I could only shrug, flipping through the manual. "Eh, it's got other features. Let's test the weapon systems!" I pressed a few buttons on the remote given, and the robot's forearm panels slid open, revealing a compact machine gun barrel.
Moxxie took several steps back anticipating impending danger. "Oh no."
The bot raised its arm, taking aim. it point at the makeshift targets I'd just set up, some old beer cans stacked on a chair.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The shots rang out, shredding the cans to pieces. it's accuracy wasn't bad But then—
CLUNK.
The gun barrel didn't retract. Instead, the weapon system glitched, the bullets still chambered inside the arm as the panel tried to close.
CRUNCH. BANG! BANG!
The rounds fired inside the robot's own arm, sparks erupting from its elbow joint as the malfunction sent it staggering.
Millie yelped, diving behind the couch. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Moxxie threw his hands up. "SHIT, I KNEW IT, COVER SIR!"
I was still calm reading through the manual and, just tsked and pressed the emergency shutdown button. The robot's optics flickered before dimming, its systems powering down with a pathetic whirr.
Silence.
Although this was old it was only by a year clearly robots with gun attachments down here in hell weren't fully developed as hand to hand models. It's probably why no one higher up actually uses them in hell these days but that was only just a guess through my memories.
Then, Moxxie groaned, rubbing his temples. "Okay. Okay. So, it's defective. How are we supposed to fix that?!"
I waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, we're not fixing it Mox."
Moxxie blinked. "What?"
I put a hand to my hip. "trust me It'll be free."
Moxxie's eye twitched. "Who—"
Before he could finish, the front door swung open. The interns—two scrawny, wide-eyed demons fresh out of Hell community college, stepped inside, holding coffee trays and exchanging horrified glances.
One of them squeaked, staring at the smoking robot. "Uh… we brought the files you asked for…?"
"Perfect timing! You two—welcome to I.M.P headquarters, I'll be your manager" I gestured grandly at the room.
Moxxie sighed, shaking his head.
I just gave a smile, noticing they were staring at the robot's sparking dented chassis. "This was just team building don't worry to much about it."
Millie, leaning against the back of the couch, "Hello, welcome!"
Loona, now fully awake, smirked and took a sip of her coffee. "Place your bets now—how long 'til it explodes?"
The interns looked like they wanted to quit on the spot but managed their expression.
Even with the chaos surrounding me I could only hold a wide smile.
'Todays the day for big changes'.