The moment the impact settled, Zero groaned from his personal crater in the stone floor. Bits of dust puffed out around him like little exclamation marks of suffering. He sat up with the grace of a man who had done this way too many times, brushed off moss and dungeon grime from his tunic, and glared daggers at the two traitors casually coiled and perched nearby.
"Why is it always me that lands like a sack of potatoes?" Zero snapped, his voice echoing faintly against the ancient stone walls. "You two float down like damn forest fairies, and I'm the one who gets faceplanted by gravity every single time!"
The snake gave a slow blink, as if deeply offended by the comparison. The fire lizard, on the other hand, stuck out its tongue in a smug flick, then turned around and started preening its tail.
"Cool. Real supportive squad I've got," Zero muttered.
He sighed, reached for his backpack—which had somehow survived the drop—and pulled out the Grimoire. Still no magic from it, still no cool powers. Just him, a dusty book, and his mounting regrets. With a resigned shrug, he flipped it open for the hundredth time, expecting the same blank page or cryptic nonsense.
But this time… something had changed.
On the left-hand page, in elegant, glowing script, new words were forming.
"About time you opened me properly. I was starting to think you were illiterate. Treat me better, Treat me with some dignity, peasant , or next time I'm recommending the wolf."
Zero froze.
He blinked.
He looked around, half-expecting the snake to be pranking him.
But no—the words were still there. Glowing faintly. Written. Taunting him.
Zero's face twitched. "Did… did this damn book just insult me?"
The snake that wrapped around him hissed in a low sound that distinctly resembled a giggle. The fire lizard was still settled down in his shirt pocket, but peeked and what looked to be a smug head-nod.
"Oh, so now you're both laughing? Great. Amazing. Everyone's a comedian except me!"
Zero slammed the book shut, paused, then slowly opened it again.
More writing. This time, it was clearly reacting in real time.
"Oh, he's back. Can't stay away from me, can you? Typical. You may call me Grimoire, but I prefer 'Your Only Hope of Not Dying Pathetically.'"
"…I take it back. I want the wolf."
"You'd die less painfully, but you'd still die."
Zero groaned and slumped forward, letting the book rest open on his lap. "This can't be my life. Two days in, and I've got a snake that strangles me in fear, a fire lizard with judgmental eyes, and now a book that's funnier than I am."
The Grimoire's left page responded again.
"And better looking."
"Okay, you know what—?!"
"Focus. You're in a dungeon. That wasn't a scenic leaf ride; it was a one-way ticket to 'Oops, You're the Chosen Idiot.'"
Zero's mouth opened. Then closed. He looked around at the vine-covered ruins, the faint glow of runes, and the occasional shifting sound deep in the shadows.
"...Wait. Dungeon?"
The snake coiled tighter around his neck, not out of fear—but tension. Even the lizard had ducked fully inside his pocket.
"Oh no," Zero said, eyes widening. "Oh no no no. Don't tell me I actually stumbled into some ancient deathtrap that expects me to—"
"Yes."
The Grimoire flipped its own page—somehow—and displayed the following header:
____________
✨ DUNGEON ENTRY RECOGNIZED
Initiating Evaluation Protocol...Difficulty: UnclearSurvival Probability: ...Ha nonexistant.
____________
Zero stared at the page.
"I'm going to die, aren't I?"
"Undoubtedly. But at least now you'll have snarky commentary to go with it."
Zero glared at the smug glowing words on the page.
"Wait… Did you actually need to do the whole 'Dungeon Entry Recognized' thing, or were you just doing it to mess with me?"
The Grimoire's response came with obnoxious speed.
"Mess with you, obviously. What are you gonna do about it, Mr. Tether-Magic-Can't-Do-Magic?"
Zero's eyebrow twitched. "You little—"
He snatched the Grimoire and hurled it to the floor like a frying pan filled with disappointment. It landed with a satisfying thud. Then, with fiery determination, he began scooping up armfuls of dirt from the ground and dumping it all over the cover.
The snake gasped dramatically like it just watched a soap opera betrayal. The fire lizard peeked out from Zero's hood, looked at the scene, and silently pulled the hood closed over its own face like, "Nope."
Zero kept piling.
"There! How's that, huh?! Still feeling smug? Huh? HUH?!"
The dirt pile shimmered. Then pulsed. A soft golden glow burst from beneath, and with an irritated wzzzzrrrp, the dirt neatly lifted off the Grimoire like it had been vacuumed into the fourth dimension.
The pages fluttered open with force—no breeze needed.
"You absolute garden gnome. You DARE bury ME in dirt? I am a relic older than your ENTIRE GENETIC LINEAGE!"
Zero pointed at the book. "You started it!"
"I started it? Oh, I'm sorry, did I fall off a cliff, land in an ancient ruin, and decide to take out my emotional issues on a holy artifact? No? That was you, dumpster fire."
Zero's eye twitched. "Holy artifact? You're more like a cursed sarcasm scroll with delusions of grandeur!"
"Excuse me while I write that down. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me since the Elven Queen threatened to burn me."
"You deserved it!"
"And you deserve better companions, but alas—you've got a snake with sass, a lizard with no chill, and a Grimoire that's ten IQ points ahead of your emotional stability."
Zero looked to the snake. "Say something supportive!"
The snake hisses like saying, "You are very consistent… at making bad choices."
Zero: "TRAITOR."
"Face it, sugarcube," the Grimoire wrote with a smug flicker, "I'm the only one here who actually likes you. And that's saying something."
"…You like me?"
"No. That was sarcasm. I'm ancient, not desperate."
Zero clutched his hair in agony. "I'm going to go insane."
"Too late. Now dust me off, peasant—we've got a dungeon to disappoint."
Zero crossed his arms, watching the now-glowing-clean Grimoire flutter with dramatic offense.
"You know," he began, voice calm but pointed, "in this world… Grimoires are usually bound to their users, right?"
The Grimoire didn't respond, but the faintest shimmer on the page suggested it was listening.
Zero smirked, crouching beside it. "Which means, oh ancient sassy scrapbook, that as long as I'm alive, you're indestructible. But when I die—poof—you vanish into sparkly dust."
He leaned closer, voice dropping to a sinister whisper. "So guess what, bestie? You're stuck with me. For. Life."
The Grimoire remained silent for a second.
Zero suddenly pulled out a huge jungle centipede he'd scooped up earlier—still wriggling—and hovered it ominously over the open pages. "So maybe, just maybe, you should learn to live with me…"
A pause.
"…Or I might just insert something between your pages that you definitely won't like."
He let out a maniacal laugh that echoed around the mossy stone walls of the dungeon like a wannabe villain in a discount play.
The snake squinted with a hiss like saying "Okay, even I got chills."
And yes, Zero can almost, if not full,y understand this snak,e dunno why.
The fire lizard peeked out and gave a slow, horrified blink.
The Grimoire's next written line appeared with frantic energy:
"YOU MONSTER. You wouldn't."
Zero wiggled the centipede over the crease. "Try me."
"You absolute goblin. I knew I got stuck with a weirdo, but this is dark even for you."
Zero gave a proud nod. "Now, who's the boss here?"
"…Still me. But fine, I'll tolerate your existence. Barely."
"Aw. It's like we're friends."
"If by 'friends' you mean 'emotional hostage situation'—sure."
Zero tucked the centipede away in his pouch like a loaded threat. "Good talk."