"Back! Back I say!" Mikael cried as he stabbed a sword through the gap in the door he was pressing shut with his body.
Whatever was on the other side didn't care about being stabbed.
More arms reached out, grasping blindly through the gap between the door and the wall, trying to reach Mikael.
While some limbs were human, others categorically weren't. Some were delicate and feminine, others' cartoonishly muscular, and more than a few were clad in black, spiky gauntlets that spewed fire or shadow.
Seeing his weapon had no effect, Mikael grit his teeth.
"You made me do this," he growled, dropping his weapon and reaching for two pouches on his belt.
From each, he removed a clear plastic spray bottle. The kind of cheap plastic that could be found anywhere for only a dollar.
On each of the spray bottles was a strip of white masking tape.
One on each spray bottle, scrawled on the tape in a black marker, were two words:
'Realism.'
'Consequences.'
In a heartbeat, Mikael ceased holding back the door and it banged open.
Those first out, those hideous, inhumane things pretending to be real people, got a face full of water.
They recoiled and hissed as if burned.
Mikael sprayed them again.
"Don't like it, do you?" He grinned sadistically. "Too bad. Have some more!"
The roiling mass of bodies and limbs and Edge recoiled from the liquid in fear.
And allowed Mikael to kick the door shut with a 'BANG.'
Mikael grinned, spinning his two spray bottles in his hand like pistols, before pocketing them.
Turning, his smile was gentle as he addressed the young men and women gathered.
"Now, what can I help you with today?"
As one, the students gathered turned to look at the closed door.
And shuddered.
As one, and without words, they collectively agreed to never again think of The Door.
Whatever lay beyond that simple edifice of wood was beyond the sanity of mortals.
Just the plaque, a simple thing of brass, screamed madness.
The Japanese branch of the program for Harem Protagonists decided then and there to never ask what 'SI Fanfiction' meant.
Mikael noticed but just nodded sagely at them as he unlocked his office and entered, sitting behind his desk.
SI Fanfiction was a rough class to teach. There were a few good students, but they were drowned out by the tide of Edgy protag's that thought a tragic backstory automatically entitled them to a harem, as if they were Mikael's gift to women/men. Regular Fanfiction characters were slightly better, but too often they acted no differently than the SI's.
Say what you will about them, but at least the Xianxia/Wuxia/Xuanhua branch respected a hierarchy of power.
Compared to them, the Korean and Japanese cultural branches were practically a vacation.
Still, for the good of Harem Protagonists everywhere, Mikael would push through.
Teaching was often a thankless task, but it needed to be done.
Even outside class hours.
"Do you wish me to close the door for this," Mikael asked as the first visitor entered.
"Um, no?" Minato Sahashi said hesitantly. "I'm just here because, um, I'd like you to review my final paper for Interspecies Relations. If you don't mind, that is?"
"Of course not," Mikael smiled warmly, taking the paper from the nervous young man.
With a casual flip through, and magic to read at inhuman speeds, Mikael read the document and gave it some thought.
"This is pretty good," he eventually said. "A few typos here and there that I've highlighted, but nothing egregious. You summarized your thoughts well, and your thesis is solid and well argued. I only have two recommendations."
"Yes?"
"Your world lacks other aliens except for Sekirei, and much about them is hidden from you, so you don't have a wealth of sources to draw on. What you do have is other participants in the Plan. I'd recommend interviewing a few of them, or at least asking questions, to see how different people approach the bonding process, their Sekirei, and their relationships. A few examples like that would help shore up your arguments."
"I can do that." Minato nodded, a few people coming to mind. Seo or his sister for instance. "And the other thing?"
"Look outside your culture," Mikael said, handing the boy his essay back. "I know you're Japanese, as are almost all the competitors, and the Plan is set in Japan, but try and think about how another culture would react to being bonded. How would an American, British, Croatian, Mongolian, Egyptian, Brazilian, or someone from another culture react to suddenly being romantically involved with a beautiful alien? Or multiple?"
"I see."
"How would religion factor in? Or different laws? What about if this was Japan of a thousand years ago? Stop thinking of 'Humanity's' response as the one you're having and start thinking of how it is a product of who you are in your culture, in this place in the world, at this time. If you do that, along with those interviews, I think this can go from a B+ to an A+ paper easily."
"I will. Thank you, Mikael-sensei," Minato stood, bowed, and left.
The next student asked for the door to be closed.
"I just want a normal life," Kusanagi Godou ranted, pacing back and forth in Mikael's office. "Is that too much to ask? I don't want to be a Campione! I wasn't trying to do anything like that! It was a total fluke! Now I have Erica sneaking into my bed, Yuri thinks I'm some sort of deviant, Liliana gets goaded into all sorts of stuff, and Ena is... Ena. I have gods and other Campione doing whatever they want, not caring who gets hurt, and my sister looks at me like I'm trash! I just... I just don't know what to do."
By the end of his rant, Godou had collapsed into one of Mikael's chairs, his head in his hands.
"While I do appreciate your trust in confiding in me," Mikael started gently. "I will state that this does overstep my purview. I am a teacher of how to be a Harem Protagonist, not a therapist." At Godou's despairing look, he continued with a smile. "That being said, I know your situation does prevent you from being able to see a regular therapist. Those that don't know the supernatural in your world can't help, and those that do will be too in awe to help. Your only peers are Gods and other Campione, each of which is a little mad in their own way. Besides, if I let you see our therapist here, Kiara would just eat you up. So, I will help you as best as I can."
"Thank you, Mikael-sensei."
"The first thing I will tell you to do is to let go of the things you cannot control," Mikael stated, leaning back in his chair and stapling his fingers together. "Gods and Campione were around way before you knew about them and will be around long after you are gone. Your ignorance of the danger does not mean it wasn't there. All that has changed is you are better informed and have the power to protect yourself."
Mikael held up a hand when Godou made to speak.
"Yes, that power comes with attention. Many of the incidents you've experienced wouldn't have happened without you being a Campione. But all it would have taken was one before you became one to ruin your life. What has happened, has happened. You can't change the past... I can, but you can't. So you need to learn to accept that part."
"I'll try, but..." For a long moment, the teenager seemed to struggle with words, as if not being able to voice what the problem was. "I just... It's so new, you know? I don't know anything about Gods or Godslayers or magic or curses or whatever. I know a bit about swords, but that's it. And now, everyone expects me to be this... this... Unconquered Victor. This Demon King. And I just want to be Godou."
"I understand," Mikael nodded, a look of profound sympathy on his face. "Trust me, I do. Which is why I want you to listen to me when I say that things will never be the same again. And you should try to force them to be."
"But-"
"No buts. Ignoring reality will not make it any different. The world is bigger, darker, and scarier than you thought. You were ignorant and happy, now you wish to return to that ignorance, thinking it will make you happy again. It won't. Ignorance is just that. It is putting your head in the sand and hoping the rest of the world doesn't notice your body sticking out. The sand might be cool and comforting, but the sun is still beating down on your body."
"I get it," the Godslayer muttered despondently.
"Good, now for the actual helpful part," Mikael smiled. "And here is where I have some good news for you. There is something you can do to get back to a 'normal' life. At least partially."
"Really?" The seventh living Campione perked up noticeably.
"Yes. And this part has to do with my actual job," Mikael gave a wry smile. "Like I said, I am not a therapist, but it seems to me like all your issues stem from one core problem. The lack of control."
"What do you mean?"
"Your life was just flipped on its head. The world is so different to what you know. You suddenly have all these responsibilities and people and relationships thrust on you. And through it all, you've just been reacting. You've been trying to swim to the shore you left behind, unaware that the tide is pushing you further and further out. Towards a different shore. What you need to do is to start swimming with the tide. You'll find it much easier to breathe if you do. The first step? Take control. Set boundaries. Set rules."
"I don't want to be like the others," Godou protested. "I'm not a tyrant."
"Even if you're not," Mikael's smile was a mischievous thing. "They don't know that, do they? Let your actions speak for you. So here is what you do. First, you take Erica on a date."
The teen who slew a god of victory spluttered.
Mikael raised a brow.
"Not once did I ever get the impression that you were in denial, like some of the others. Nor that you were rejecting the advances of the women who surround you. Was I wrong?"
"Well," Godou muttered, face flush. "No. I do like them it's just... Liking so many women isn't exactly normal, is it? And I'm not the lecher they all think I am."
"So you make it normal," Mikael shrugged. "Take them to see a movie. Or go shopping. Or just go to a restaurant. Stop letting them drag you into their world and let them experience yours. If they want this relationship to continue, which I think they do, they need to compromise. Not just you.
More than that, I think they will be happy that you are taking their advances seriously. They will be interested in your interests, even if it's only because you are interested in them. This will give you a sense of normalcy and make them less likely to drag you into shenanigans as that will cut down their date time."
"That... might just work," Godou muttered. "At least for Yuri or Liliana. Ena is still Ena. And Erica is determined to try and make me stronger."
"While that's not necessarily a bad thing, as it shows she has confidence in your ability to overcome challenges and wants to see you grow," Mikael allowed before shaking his head. "If you and she want to be in a long-term relationship, you need to be able to trust each other. And this is where boundaries come into play. While you are out together, you tell her plainly, to her face what your lines are. The ones she cannot cross. No more endangering innocent people. No more using you as bait for Heretic Gods. You don't want her slipping into your bed anymore? You tell her that."
"I... Actually don't mind that part," Godou muttered sheepishly. "I just wish she was more discreet around Shizuka."
"Then tell her that," Mikael nodded. "Tell all of them that. Too many times, partners will cross each other's lines just because they do not know they are there. Even if it is accidental, that breeds resentment. Once those boundaries are established, from both of you, you need to find the zone between each of them where you can meet in the middle.
This is where taking control of your situation is important. You will need to compromise, that is a fact if you want a healthy relationship, but how you compromise is up to you. You don't want every magician or association disturbing your day-to-day life? Tell them that. At the same time, you need to be aware that you are still a Campione. If you're going to fight gods and monsters, do it on your terms. You need to face them before they find you."
"I...see," Godou muttered. "You're saying not to be a Tyrant, but to be myself, just in this new world. Myself as a Godslayer."
"Exactly. Things will change with your new power and position. So will you. That's a natural part of life, especially in such a turbulent time in your life. It's scary. It's confusing. But, like all things, it's temporary. Eventually you will reach a new normal. All you can do is make it as painless as possible and try your best so that your 'normal' is happy."
Kusanagi Godou left Mikael's office in silent thought, contemplating his boundaries, his desires, and what he could accept in a world filled with gods and monsters.
Such was the nature of imparting wisdom on the young. You might teach them all you can, but it was up to them to learn.
Not that all lessons were that serious.
********
"Is it wrong to want to be in a relationship with a person wearing my father's body?" Ritsuka 'Gudako' Fujimaru asked seriously.
"You're going to need to be more specific than that," Mikael deadpanned.
"One of my Servants, Muramasa, is a composite spirit. Former enemy, possible romantic partner, you know how it goes."
"Sure."
"But he's a Psuedo Servant summoned in a compatible host. A host, that happens to be my father. Only not, because he's certainly younger and from another timeline. So... What do?"
"...You're interested in him? And he in you?"
"I think he is. It's hard to tell. He's so... Grandpa."
"Who's also your father from an alternate timeline? That you want to sleep with?"
"Well, yes. Weren't you listening? He's pure DILF energy... or is it GILF?"
Mikael was really glad he had little in the way of mortal, or even human, morality.
Still, this was a delicate subject that required a nuanced take and appropriate thought.
"Just fuck him."
"Really? You think I should?"
"You're both adults, he's not actually your dad and you can't get pregnant from a Servant."
"Okay, that's what I was thinking too! And Grandma Iri agrees. But it's Granpa Kiri that keeps giving me looks. So how do I break it to him?"
The worst part?
This wasn't even a unique problem.
********
"Is it wrong to want to be in a relationship with a person wearing my mother's body?" Ritsuka 'Gudao' Fujimaru asked seriously. "...Actually multiple of them. Ishtar, of course, but also Space Ishtar, Space Ishtar, and Astarte... And Ereshkigal and Space Eresh..."
Mikael really needed to get these twins into therapy.
Not for their desire to sleep with Servants that looked like their parents, but so they'd stop bringing such inane problems to him.
"Just sleep with them."
"See, normally I'd agree," the last master of humanity nodded sagely. "But something's stopping me."
"What?"
"Kiyohime."
"Oh." Mikael paused, giving the matter some serious thought.
This was life and death, after all.
"It's not that she's opposed to me being in other relationships," Gudao continued. "She's the one that manages the schedule. I just can't lie to her about it."
"So, what's the problem?"
"She'll ask me about why I like them."
"...You were a momma's boy, weren't you?"
"What gave it away? My relationship with Tiamat or with Raikou?"
"Just a feeling."
Mikael really wished Kiara wasn't their Servant... or at least a version of her.
That, and they needed to hire a different therapist.
********
"Okay," Mikael held up a hand, stopping Kamijou Touma in his tracks. "I fail to see how anything you've said has to do with Harems and Harem Management, but you want advice, so here it is. You are looking at this wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"Why do you assume good luck is something bestowed and bad luck isn't?"
"Cause I have bad luck but not good," the middle schooler answered. "My hand cancels any supernatural force. The fact that I have bad luck means that good luck is a blessing, which gets canceled."
"No," Mikael shook his head. "The fact you have bad luck is obvious to anyone. What I am saying is that you are ignoring the fact that you obviously have good luck as well."
"No I-"
"You do," Mikael cut off his denial instantly. "Or are you telling me anyone else in your situation, one whose ability is limited to one hand, has any right to have survived as longs you have? Why haven't any of your enemies simply pulled up a gun and shot you in the head? Problem solved."
Mikael knew there was a lot going on behind the scenes that Touma wasn't aware of. Certain things that wanted Imagine Breaker to remain in play and thus protect the young man. But that just proved Mikael's point. It was a stroke of good luck that he had protectors.
To say nothing about the very fact that Touma could be a Harem Protagonist at all, something many would gleefully sacrifice their own luck for.
"The mere fact that you are still alive, that you have friends, family, and are living a desirable life, even if rambunctious, means that you aren't as unlucky as you think. The fact that you can't recognize that is genuinely insulting to those who suffer more than you and would trade anything to be in your place. You might go hungry, you sleep in a tub, you might get in fights, but you are alive. Many don't get that."
Chastised, Kamijou Touma sunk in his chair.
"Like I said," Mikael sighed, his tone softening. "You have bad luck, which involves you in all these incidents, but you also have good luck to survive them. What you need to do is find the silver linings. Your friends? You met them thanks to these incidents. You have the interest of women, though I think you're a bit young to engage with them sexually... or at least most of them."
"Onee-samas," Kamijou Touma nodded in recognition of a fellow older woman enthusiast.
Unlike those idiot lolicon or sis-con friends of his, Mikael was truly a man of culture.
"It's not about body type. Don't you have a few of the legal loli types? Anyway, I'm not saying ignore women your own age or even slightly younger," Mikael rolled his eyes, but there was note of humor in his voice. "Just that they might not be mature enough to handle a relationship, long or short term, with your swinging luck. And that's what it is. It's a pendulum that swings. You are unluckier and anyone while also being luckier than everyone. All you can do is try to laugh with the bad times and enjoy the good times. Stop obsessing over it. That won't solve anything."
"I'll try to do that Mikael-sensei," Touma sighed, getting up from his seat. "It's just hard."
"Nothing in life was ever easy."
Like trying to be a guiding voice to countless immature Harem Protags.
********
"...Mikael-sensei? Are you alright?" Haruka Nanami asked, discomfort write large across her face.
"I'm just, snif, so glad," Mikael said, wiping away a tear. "It's actually a Harem Protagonist problem. One I can help with! I'm, snif, snif, so happy."
"...Okay."
That would be more believable if he wasn't saying the word 'snif' instead of actually sniffling.
Or if his tears weren't cartoonishly large.
"Anyway," Mikael refocused, drawing a piece of paper from his desk and filling it out as he spoke. "Your problem is a common one with successful Harem Protags. Unless one is a supernatural creature, it is very difficult to find time to spend with all of your harem. This doesn't apply in cases where the relationship is hierarchical or transactional, but I get the feeling you actually like these boys and they like you back?"
"Yes. I feel bad because if I focus on one for a long time, I feel like I'm neglecting the others."
"Only the needy need constant reassurance," Mikael waved away her words, but nodded. "It is still a concern. One you can learn to manage. And this class is the perfect way to do just that."
Haruka looked at the course application in her hand.
"'Large Harem Management?' This is a four hundred level course."
"One of only three we offer. While not strictly required, I encourage everyone who is going for a Harem Ending involving more than four people to take this course. The teacher isn't a god or supernatural being. In fact, his world is only pseudo-mundane, yet his dedication to his craft is something we can all admire," Mikael nodded sagely.
To hear Mikael give such a glowing recommendation was a rare thing and it did seem like the answer to her problem.
"This is practically a capstone course for Harem Protagonists. Even I can't help but admire his Harem Protagonist abilities."
"Truly?"
Mikael's smile brimmed with confidence and solace as he saw out the last student for the day from his office.
He locked the door behind him.
"Thank you, Mikael-sensei."
"No problem," came his muffled voice.
Haruki stared.
At some point between eye blinks the man had put on a bulky yellow hazmat suit.
"Mikael-sensei?"
"Oh, don't mind me," he waved off her concern easily. "I'm heading to the Western Harem section next. There's always an orgy or two happening in there. Don't want any fluids getting on me before I can get them in their seats, you know?"
No, she really didn't know.
And she didn't want to know either.
Instead, Haruki Nanami decided that she'd focus on her own issues.
Hopefully this 'Rentaro Aijo' will be able to teach her something useful.