"Damn it, why the hell am I doing this?!" I yelled, banged my head on the vending machine, a big plastic bag of drinks and snacks was placed next to my feet.
"School's already over, so why the fuck am I still bringing shit to those punks?!" With anger I reached into the plastic bag and grabbed the pack of cigarettes that was meant for those guys and took one out.
Where did I go wrong? I prepared my high school debut perfectly, I worked out often and always had my head held high so I wouldn't be picked on. But why did I become an errand boy for a couple of fuck boys?
If it was just entrusting food and bringing it to them as a friend, then I wouldn't mind. But these snacks, the drink I was about to buy and the cigarette I was smoking, all of it was bought from my own money.
I wondered to myself why I'm doing this. I was never the type to let myself get caught up in the flow, nor would I let someone walk over me this much. In middle school, I was often in trouble for not controlling my emotions and lashing out at others, whether it be boys or girls.
My dad would often get mad at me. He never laid a hand on me, but he did shout. The shame and disappointment in his eyes, I hated it. I started listening to what he said.
"You see this fist? A man's fist is not to be used on a girl," was one of the things he said.
"I could just go home and deal with them when Monday comes─no, they'll call me on Saturday." For me, a kid who raised his hand and dared to struck his own father with his fist, to be scared of high school punks? I dropped the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it. "Guess I'll deal with them today,"
"Hey, where's your bread shuttle? It's taking forever!" A blonde haired guy smoking a vape complained.
"What if he ran away? It won't be the first time it happened," a fat guy wondered.
"Please, you think he has the balls for that? He's way too scared of─" A guy with glasses tried to say before he was interrupted.
"Oi!" And then there's me. A freshly lit cigarette in one hand and the other in my pocket.
"There's our little Simon," the blonde haired guy walked towards me. "Where's the rest of it? C'mon hand it over, kids like you aren't allowed to smoke."
I ignored the blonde haired guy, and straight to the guy in glasses. "Why should I give it to you? I bought this with my money. I'm not your friend, so stop talking to me."
I don't know any of their names, I never bothered to remember. I stared at the three guys.
"Don't fuck with me!" The blonde haired guy grabbed my collar. I placed the cigarette between my fingers. I blew some smoke to cover his vision, and punched him with the cigarette. It hit him straight in his eye, and burned it.
The fat guy rushed at me. From the pocket where my hand was, I threw a fist full of gravel at him. As he was blinded, I threw an elbow strike to his face. But he didn't fall, and tackled me. I pressed the cigarette on his temple. He yelled, but instead of letting go, he elbowed me right in the face. I could feel blood running down my nose. In response, I bit on the fat guy's ear as hard as I could.
"Homo! Let go of me─augh!" But the glasses guy kicked the side of my head
"What were you thinking, Simon?"
"That I'm stronger than you and that I shouldn't be taking your orders? I'm not your errand boy."
He just shrugs, "That's all? If you were unhappy, you could've just said so."
Looking back, I guess I was the one who started the fight. Brought by my frustration and anger, it was me that the reason it ended like this. But I didn't want to accept that. I grit my teeth and glared at him.
"Why're you looking at me like that?" He stomped on my face. "Alright, let go of him. I'll be seeing you tomorrow. Same time and place as usual."
Having not learned my lesson, I planned to do the same thing tomorrow, no matter how many guys he'll bring. "Oh I'll see you alright."
As the glasses guy walked away, the fat guy slowly got up, holding the bloody ear that I bit. "I should've ripped it clean off when I had the chance," I scoffed at him. He only looked back to spit on my face.
"Crazy fucker," was what he said before walking away.
I had planned to let go of my rationality and go full berserk on them. Usually my anger towards something will overcome any fear I have of those things but I guess I don't hate them enough. Just ashamed of being used like a dog.
The blonde guy also started to get up, but he didn't immediately follow the other two, and walked towards me. Suddenly he stomped on my head.
"Fucker! Look what you did to my eye! Now I can't be on the team!" He grabbed my collar and started punching me without reserve. But after a few hits, he dropped me and doubled down, using both of his fists to pummel me to the ground.
"This is a third degree burn, you shithead! Compensate me!"
"Oi that's enough! He's gonna die!" the glasses guy yelled in worry.
His fists hit me in the temple, on my ears, my cheeks, my nose, my eyes. I've thought about being in this situation countless times. Though I never experienced it, I was always afraid of getting bullied at school.
It was fine if people ignored me, it was fine for me if people treated me like air, as if I wasn't there. But I hated it, loathed it,
detested, abhorred, despised, execrated it if they treated me like I'm below them.
That's why I thought that if I was ever bullied and beaten to a pulp, I shouldn't show fear. I should smile like a madman, asking for more, and resist endlessly. But with how relentless he's being, only pain and fear clouded my mind.
'Stop, stop…'
"Stop!" The glasses guy pushed the blonde guy from atop me. He placed his ear next to my mouth. "He's not breathing." He checked my heartbeat, and was relieved when he could hear it beat.
"Evan," he called to the blonde guy, "you should go home and act like this never happened. If they trace it back to you, just deny everything," he advised the guy, and, having just realized the severity of his actions, he just ran away.
"You call an ambulance," glasses ordered the fat guy.
"What if we're the ones charged with─"
"We'll blame it on Evan. Since I told him to run, even if we're with the police, we could just say we're a passerby and…"
'Ahh…I can't open my eyes. I can hear his voice. That damn piece of shit. Humiliating me for weeks, thinking I'm his errand boy. I swear, even from hell, I'll curse you. I'll never forgive you─'
"Simon, the first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. And the first to forget is the happiest…"
An echo of a familiar voice rang through my subconscious mind. It was dad's voice, of that time I got angry at a teacher because she was making a joke, which led to the class making fun of me. Or at least, that's what it felt like.
"...Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."
My dad and my mom were both very calm and patient parents. There were times when they were strict, or yelled at me, but I can't recall a time when they forced me to do anything. Even if our family was poor and we lived in the slums, my parents would always find peace.
One night, I caught them on the roof of our house, chatting peacefully and drinking cheap sake under the night sky. They looked so happy, such that, even in trying times, they knew they would have each other. It was such a beautiful image that I began to desire it.
'I'm sorry, dad,'
'I'm sorry, mom'
'I'm sorry for always causing you shame, I'm sorry for always getting into fights, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm sorry for always disregarding what you say because I thought I knew better, I'm sorry for not recognizing your efforts, I'm sorry that I'm always rebelling, I'm sorry for never acknowledging the sacrifices you've made for our well-being. I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I never said I loved you.'