Question # 11
Host, "If you could choose any of your friends to become your parent, who would they be?"
Stephan, "Gabriel. He's the only responsible friend I have. Although I fear I'd end up dead from food poisoning or from being burned alive–I'm pretty sure he'd set the kitchen on fire if he tried to cook. He's not very good with housework."
Jake, "Then how about you do the housework?"
Stephan, "Do you think I'm any better?"
Jake, "…That was a stupid question, sorry."
Stephan, "And what about you?"
Jake, "That's kind of a tricky question since I'd first need friends to chose one as my parent."
Stephan, "Aren't I your friend?"
Jake, "No, you're my stalker. It's not the same."
Stephan, "…"
Question # 12
Host, "If animals could talk, which would be the rudest?"
Jake, "Well, considering humans are animals, regardless of what snobbish people with ridiculous superiority complexes say, I'd say humans. You won't find anything ruder than humans."
Host, "Huh?"
Jake, "What's with the dumbfounding face? No matter how mighty people think they are, humans have always been biologically animals, mammals no less. With that in mind, there's no need to search high and low to find the rudest animal on earth. Just watch politicians debate and bash their opponents, and you'll get it."
Host, "You seem to have a very low esteem of humans…"
Jake, "I wonder why."
Host, "…And what about you, Stephan?"
Stephan, "I do have to agree with Jake on this one. I mean, you'll need to have morals and shit like that to even understand the concept of rudeness. From what we know, other animals don't have that, and whatever they do or say would be rude only from our point of view. Moreover, depending on what part of the world you're from, your concept of what's rude and what's not differ, so…"
Jake, "Humans can barely agree on core values, to start with."
Stephan, "Indeed. We're pretty much a species born to disagree and fight with each other."
Jake, "Can't argue with that."
Host, "Hum, this question wasn't supposed to end in a philosophical debate, you know?"
Jake, "Would you rather we roleplay?"
Host, "Philosophical debates are good, very good even."
Question # 13
Host, "What would be the absolute worst name you could give to your child?"
Stephan, "If it's a girl, Vagina, and if it's a boy, Penis or Testicules."
Jake, "Is sexual stuff the only thing you can think of in that little head of yours?"
Stephan, "Thanks to a certain someone, I've been keeping it in my pants for months, so you can't blame my mind for wandering into the gutter every now and then. But more seriously, there's nothing worse than being named after your private parts. Kids are morons, and you can't be sure the children won't have a day's rest at school with a name like that."
Jake, "I can't deny that. Kids can be quite cruel."
Stephan, "Right? Now, your turn. I'm curious about what you have in mind."
Jake, "Mistake. I'd name them Mistake."
Stephan, "Gosh, you're ruthless."
Jake, "I'll take that as a compliment."
Question # 14
Host, "What is your favorite color?"
Jake, "I don't have a favorite color."
Stephan, "Seriously? Not even a preference?"
Jake, "Colors are colors. Whatever looks pleasing to the eyes is enough for me."
Stephan, "That's… kind of sad."
Jake, "If you say so. What about you?"
Stephan, "Oh, of course, it's–wait a minute. Now that I think about it, I don't have a favorite color, either! I love too many colors to only choose one. I mean, you look good in anything, so it's hard to pick one in particular."
Jake, "And why am I your basic for your favorite color?"
Stephan, "And why shouldn't you be?"
Jake, "Do I really need to answer that question?"
Stephan, "In fact, no, don't. If I let you, I'm sure you'll spit out something so cold-hearted it'll break my heart."
Jake, "Is your heart made of glass?"
Stephan, "For you? Yes!"
Jake, "Ugh…"
Question # 15
Host, "What is the creepiest thing you could say to a stranger on the street?"
Jake, "You would look better without skin."
Stephan, "Do you have a muscle fetish or something?"
Jake, "If I say yes, would you peel your skin off?"
Stephan, "Sure, why not!"
Jake, "You're a crazy bastard."
Stephan, "Yes, and proud to be!"
Host, "…"
Stephan, "Hm, now, what creepy thing should I say… I have so many ideas in mind, it's hard to chose one!"
Jake, "Before you answer, let me give you a little challenge: can you come up with a sentence devoid of sexual connotations?"
Stephan, "Ergh...."
Jake, "I swear you're beyond salvation."
Stephan, "Ahem. So, wanna come over to my dungeon? Believe me, you'd make a pretty addition to my collection, as I have no one quite like you there!"
Jake, "No, thank you. And I'm calling the cop."
Stephan, "Why would you call the cop? What if everyone has come to my dungeon voluntarily and is staying voluntarily?"
Jake, "Whatever. You're still a pervert, so I'm still calling the cop."
Stephan, "And here I'm ready to peel off my skin for you, but you don't even want to consider the possibility of visiting my dungeon… You're hurting my litte heart."
Jake, "Sorry, but I'm not a crazy bastard like you, and I know better than to follow a stranger to their basement."
Stephan, "Good point, I guess."
Question # 16
Host, "What are some fun ways to answer the everyday question "How are you"?"
Stephan, "Sexually frustrated."
Jake, "He asked you to answer in fun ways, not how you currently feel like."
Stephan, "Trust me, these kinds of answers always draw out the funniest reactions from people. They always need to take a second or two to process the words. It's the funny thing when you live in a prude society: the moment you talk about sexuality out of the blue, people freak out and don't know how to react."
Jake, "You're talking from experience, aren't you?"
Stephan, "Remember my religion teacher? He asked how we were once. He never asked it again."
Jake, "I'm surprised he hadn't filed a complaint with the school for sexual harassment."
Stephan, "Oh, of course, he hadn't! It's not like a big, strong man can be a victim of sexual harassment… That is, according to him."
Jake, "Ah. No wonder you were so much of a pain in the neck in his class, then."
Stephan, "Well, what can I do? He really shouldn't have shamed a male classmate for speaking up about being stalked by a girl. As if he should have been rejoicing in that…"
Jake, "You know what? Glad you make his class a living hell for him."
Stephan, "My pleasure!"
Host, coughs, "And what about you, Jake? How are you?"
Jake, "Pretty good: cockblocking a pervert first thing in the morning is a sure way to lift up my mood."
Stephan, "Didn't you say to answer in fun ways, and not how you're currently feeling like…?"
Jake, smiles, "I don't see what you're talking about."
Stephan, "…"
Question # 17
Host, "What is the stupidest way you've hurt yourself?"
Stephan, "Can I pass this question?"
Jake, "What, you, the more shameless guy on earth, is passing a question?"
Stephan, "Well, yes."
Jake, "Suspicious. Why do I feel like you've hurt yourself most stupidly during the act?"
Stephan, "Let me just say that when you try new toys, you shouldn't skip reading the warning on the package"
Jake, "What did you – no, I don't want to know."
Stephan, "You sure? It's a funny story."
Jake, "I still don't want to know."
Stephan, "Alright, alright. But tell me if you change your mind!"
Jake, "I will not. And didn't you want to skip the question, anyway?"
Stephan, "Yes, but if you're the one asking, it changes everything."
Jake, "Sure, whatever. In my case, my son wanted to prank me by putting some kind of soap on the toilet bowl. Let's say the firefighters had a good laugh when they came over to help me free myself from underneath the toilet. For the record, they had to break it."
Stephan, "My sympathy."
Question # 18
Host, "What is the most embarrassing thing you've ever worn?"
Stephan, "Let me think for a second…"
Jake, "You can think however long you want, but you won't be able to come up with an answer. Your shamelessness knows no bounds, and it's not some clothing that will get you embarrassed… Honestly, I'm not even sure if you know what embarrassment is."
Stephan, "What do you take me for?"
Jake, "For a guy who purposely wore girlish clothing at school to get under his religion teacher's skin."
Stephan, "Fair enough."
Host, "What about you, Jake?"
Jake, "In one of my past lives, I let my daughters choose my clothing for one of their birthdays. Let's say tiny twin pigtails with bright pink bows don't suit me."
Stephan, "Why do I feel like you looked cute as hell and not clownish as you claim?"
Jake, "Please, shut up. Don't say the same thing as my wife; that's disturbing on so many different levels."
Stephan, "I feel like I'd have gotten along pretty well with your wife."
Jake, "You definitely would have, yes, and that's the scary part."
Question # 19
Host, "If you were to quote a price for yourself, how much would it be?"
Stephan, "Why are you asking? Are you planning to sell us off?"
Host, "No!"
Jake, "Then why should we quote a price for ourselves? What's the point? If we don't know why we have to price ourselves, it's hard to come up with a number."
Stephan, "Agreed. Or maybe you're asking to quote ourselves as prostitutes? If that's the case, I'd say I'm worth a lot of money. I don't want to brag, but if there's one thing I'm confident in, it's pleasuring people, so prostitution is high up in my alley."
Jake, "And it's not in mine, so I'd be pretty cheap."
Stephan, "Darling, you're handsome, so trust me, people would line up to spend a night with you regardless of your talent in bed. You'd rake the money in."
Jake, "Guess I'm always better than a plain old doll. Not sure how I feel about that, though."
Stephan, "Still, I'd probably try to steal all of your clients."
Jake, "Why?"
Stephan, "'Cause I sure as hell don't want others fluttering around you. They can keep their dirty paws to themselves, thank you!"
Jake, "But on the other hand, it's alright if you sleep around with clients?"
Stephan, "Well, if we ever have to stoop so low as to prostitute ourselves, then that would mean our situation has turned for the worst. Honestly, if we have to resort to sell ourselves to go on, I'd rather it be me than you. I'm pretty sure I can handle whatever's thrown my way in that area, so, y'know?"
Jake, "Hm, then I guess while you're stuck offering your services and bringing money and food to the table, my role would be to keep a low profile and find a way to get us out of that hellhole, is that it?"
Stephan, "Bingo!"
Host, "Oh gosh, that has turned dark real quick…"
Jake, "What did you expect? A situation in which you have to put a price tag on yourself would certainly not be the result of joyful circumstances. That's common sense!"
Host, "You know the questions are for fun and shouldn't be taken seriously, right?"
Jake, "Sorry, but I'm a down-to-earth type of person."
Question # 20
Host, "If your gender was swapped for a day, how would you react?"
Stephan, "I'd be darn excited and tried to get laid right away!"
Jake, "In short, your behavior wouldn't change much from usual."
Stephan, "Do I hear a hint of jealousy? But don't worry, you're the one I'm gonna hit on."
Jake, "And what if I've also turned into a girl?"
Stephan, "Ever heard of lesbians?"
Jake, "You know what, Host, if my gender were swapped for a day, I would run away from this idiot, or I fear my chastity would be in danger."
Stephan, "Whether you're a man or a woman, isn't your chastity already in danger with me around?"
Jake, "My point, exactly. I'm pretty sure swapping genders wouldn't come without its downsides, and I have no idea if I'd be able to rely on my body if the need to defend myself arose. I'd probably be too disturbed and still trying to adjust to my new body."
Stephan, "Say, why are your answers always so uptight? Would it hurt you to play along? I know you're down-to-earth, but still…"
Jake, "Honestly, considering time traveling is a thing, I wouldn't be surprised if swapping genders or even switching bodies is also a thing. Better be cautious than sorry."
Stephan, "Right, when you put it like this…"